The "D" Word

Just before winter break (around Dec. 15), I decided it was high time I re-weighed myself. I was hesitant for weeks, but at some point, I figured if I truly wanted a fresh start, I had to come to terms with my current weight. With Jenny Craig, I'd lost 32 pounds in 6 months. I was positive I'd gained at least some of that back between September and December because of my awful eating habits and lack of exercise. So I faced my fear of getting on the scale and did just that.

Eight pounds. That's how much I'd put back on in four months.

Seeing that number brought out a few emotions in me; relief that it wasn't bigger, anxiety because I wanted to get moving NOW, disappointment because I felt I'd seriously hindered my progress by being irresponsible for months. In the end, though, I let it go and told myself that the mistakes I made were in the past. All I could do now was move ahead by taking things one day at a time.

Since January 1, I have been incredibly dedicated to sticking with a new eating plan, one similar to Jenny Craig. I've been watching what I eat and taking it easy on the sweets, but I still indulge every now and then. I actually eat a piece of chocolate every day in the afternoons. I've also been going to the gym or using my medicine ball DVD workout regularly, which has made me feel so much better.

I wanted to see how far I'd come since then, so I got on the scale again this morning to check. I figured if I'd had a loss, it would motivate me more. If I didn't, that might make me want to work harder, too.

Three pounds. That's how much I'd lost since mid-December, amid all the holiday treats and my trip home with no exercise. That's pretty damn good!

I'm hoping those results will keep me on track with my diet. Actually, I shouldn't use the "d" word. I react the same way most people do when I hear it. "Ugh, no way! That's too hard -- I hate it!" Really, what I'm going through is a lifestyle change. I'm not trying to drop 5 pounds to fit into a dress for a party. I'm trying to re-train my brain and my stomach to want less food. I'm trying to get healthy and stay that way. I am so excited to be on the right track again, and I have no doubt I'll be successful this time.

Others' Struggles

I'm fascinated with reality shows about overweight people. I know that sounds totally insensitive, but I don't mean it in a negative way. I don't see them as freaks or as part of some circus for the world to see. On the contrary, I'm intrigued by their struggles and the steps they take to try to overcome their situations. Take "Ruby," for example. It's a show on Style network about a severely obese woman in Georgia working to battle her food addiction. Cameras follow her around Savannah while she fights her demons. I love her story because it's full of heart and vulnerability. Ruby knows that if she doesn't shed the weight, she'll probably die. It's morbid, but it's true.

Ok, so I'm not obese or even close to being in Ruby's shoes. I just need to lose about 20 more pounds to be within my "healthy" range. Still, I find inspiration in her story. If she can re-work the only lifestyle she's ever known to become a completley different person, can't anyone? Maybe... but maybe not.

TLC's "Big Medicine" profiles multiple overweight people with a variety of issues. Most of them are addicted to food, just like an alcoholic is addicted to drinking. The difference is that we HAVE to eat food to live... How successful could an alcoholic be if he or she needed to have one shot a day... just one... to keep going? I can't even imagine how difficult that would be.

Some doctors insist that the urge to overeat is genetic (http://www.timesonline.co.uk/tol/life_and_style/health/article5342552.ece). While most people can eat a meal and be full for hours, others search for more food shortly after filling themselves up. They might not even be hungry, but they want to eat because of how their brain is wired. Sometimes I wonder if this affects me somehow. Again, I'm not obese, but I love food, and I could eat all day if I wanted to. I get full pretty easily now, and I have major heartburn after stuffing myself. Still, I wonder if my genetic makeup plays a role in my eating habits. My mom eats like a bird. My dad likes food, too, but he's not obese; he just likes to graze.

Either way, the stories I hear on "Ruby" and "Big Medicine" are motivating me not to want to overeat anymore. You should check those shows out if you have a chance.

A New Beginning

Every January 1 for as long as I can remember, I've resolved to eat healthier and lose weight. I never stuck with that resolution, until last year.

You might recall that I joined Jenny Craig at the end of March. I stuck with it dilligently until mid-August, when I got a new job and my entire lifestyle changed. I used to be a news producer, and the nature of the business is so hectic that bringing pre-packaged meals and snacks to work was a necessity. I barely had time to eat during the day, so I never really thought about food. That made losing the weight with Jenny so simple -- I just brought my lunch and snacks for the day and grabbed them when I had a second. Otherwise, I didn't eat all day, and I pigged out at dinner as a result. Things are different where I work now. I have more downtime to think about what I'm doing, and every office in my building has some kind of candy or snacks laying around. Food is a part of the culture there, and temptation is all over the place. Not to mention that everyone eats at the buffet-style dining hall, which is actually very, very good. (Fortunately, it has a full-scale salad bar, but it also has other goodies, like grilled cheese and plenty of desserts.)

My goal was to lose 50 lbs on Jenny, but I left the program in mid-October before I could reach it. The bottom line is that it was just too expensive for me. However, I have absolutely no regrets about joining. I made an investment in myself, one that I absolutely needed to make, and I would have done it all over again if I had to. The people at Jenny Craig were wonderful and very supportive. I still firmly recommend the program to anyone who is serious about losing weight but hasn't been successful on their own. I just couldn't keep it up on my salary.

So, what's happened since then?

I wish I could pretend that September - December didn't exist. I quit my membership at the local YMCA to use my university's gym for free -- but I only worked out there once. I was also back to my old destructive habits, eating whatever I wanted whenever I wanted. Around Thanksgiving, I started to feel really gross again, like I had nothing but fat all over my body. I realized I needed to get back on the wagon. Jenny Craig had given me the tools to live a healthy lifestyle, but it was up to me to utilize them. So, in mid-December, I joined a new gym closer to my house that was singificantly less expensive. I started going almost every day before leaving for Christmas. Even the manager noticed! However, when I went home for the holidays, I ate everything in sight (again), and the only exercising I did was dancing at my cousin's engagement party.

So now I'm back home, reevaluating my life and my goals. I know I can lose the weight before my sister's wedding this summer. Her fiance gave me some great workout equipment to supplement my gym time, and I'm excited about using it. I just don't want to feel disgusting anymore. I don't care if I look like a model or if my thighs are bigger than the average girl's. I want to be healthy and feel proud when I look in the mirror -- that's all.

I can't change the mistakes I made over the past few months, but I can make sure I don't repeat them. So here I go, off to the gym to give myself another chance at happiness.