Impossible!

I had a rude awakening on the scale this morning. I know the numbers don't tell the whole story, and I am smart enough not to obsess (much) about them, but I was disturbed anyway.

I gained four pounds this week??? Impossible!!!!

Okay, I admit I didn't have the best of weeks. Last Friday's "Girls' Night" was a feast, and that led to leftovers, which I didn't want to waste! So every now and then, I had a slice of pizza in place of my usual Jenny meal. And I couldn't throw out that delectable ice cream pie Jen was so sweet to bring over, so I dug into that a little bit every day. But I worked out quite a bit and have been very active at my job. The bottom line is that I've done much worse while on this program and have not gained an ounce.

So what gives???

I'm not sure. Maybe the scale has issues. (Don't laugh -- that could be true!) The battery is pretty old, and I was getting "Error" messages when I first got on it. Perhaps the reading was simply off. Or maybe working out is building my muscle (which I can feel) to the point where it's affecting my overall weight. After all, muscle does weigh more than fat.

My co-workers were pretty empathetic when I recounted my annoyances this morning. One of them told me not to worry, and that how I feel is more important than what the scale says, which I believe is true. Still, it shook my psyche a little.

I'm at the point where I think I still need Jenny -- but, quite frankly, it's getting a bit expensive. Our ecomony sucks at the moment, and it's definitely affecting my wallet. I own a gas guzzler (which I was very, very grateful to receive) and end up putting about $60 in it every 10 days or so. I'm also flying home a lot more often for family and friends (which I don't regret one bit!), so that's getting a bit pricey, too. I'm struggling to decide if I should keep paying the price for the program or leave it and try to move forward on my own. Honestly, I don't think I can do this by myself right now. I think I need to reach my goal before I can cut all ties. My bank account, however, tells me otherwise.

What to do???

Reflection

So I've had a pretty good week... no, scratch that -- I've had a great week. I'm getting back into the mode of wanting to reach my goal. I dropped two more pounds in the last seven days, bringing my total to 32 since March 29th. Not bad!

I had a major moment of reflection last night. My consultant told me that she and her co-workers are always recommending their clients for Jenny Craig ads. She asked me if I had any dramatic "before" photos showing how much I weighed before joining. "Yeah," I replied with a tone of disgust. "Believe me, I have plenty of those!" Later, I sent Tanya (my consultant) two pictures: one from about a year ago, and another from my sister's engagement party in August. Tanya could not believe what she saw.

"Oh my goodness!" she wrote. "You are a goddess of beauty! I would have never known the two photos were of the same person! You are very pretty in the first photo, don’t get me wrong. But the second photo is amazing! Also, your smiles are very different. You look so radiant, confident, and happy in the second photo!"

Her comments were flattering, but they also hit a very emotional spot for me. I still can't believe that I let myself get as heavy as I did. I can't believe men found me attractive and that I was confident enough to think I looked great. I can't believe I didn't get on an exercise and diet plan before. I can't believe it took me this long to finally wake up and see that I had to do something for the sake of my health. But I guess we all learn our own personal lessons in due time. Maybe I wasn't meant to take control until now. Who knows? I am just thankful I finally did. I shouldn't look back and think about what could have been. I should only look forward to the future.

Getting there . . .

Ever had a really, really good workout? Like one that changes your entire outlook on life? I had one of those today. I went to the gym for the first time in about a month, and I instantly felt rejuvinated, like there was nothing I couldn't do. It's odd -- I had to pretty much force myself to get up and go, but once I got there and started on the elliptical machine, listening to my iPod, it was as if there was no stopping me. "I am going to reach my goal, dammit!" I kept telling myself. "And I'm going to stop making excuses!"

I don't know exactly what caused this spur of motivation, but maybe it has something to do with last weekend. I was reunited with my childhood buddies at a friend's wedding back home, and a lot of people told me how great I looked. Some of my parents' friends claimed they didn't even recognize me! That sounded kind of strange, but I understood what they were getting at. The compliments woke me up and begged the question: where did my dedication go?

I've declared several times in the past few weeks that I would get back on track, but that hasn't gone so well. At the risk of crying wolf again, things really do feel different at this moment. I feel different. I've found my desire again, my will to push on. I'm pretty sure I won't reach my goal by my 25th birthday at the end of the month, but at least I'm staying more positive now than I have in awhile. And I think my improved mindset is a strong step in the right direction.